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forgottenbennetMy grandmother has pancreatic cancer. They say without treatment she has about three months.
Her heart's so weak already no one wanted to put her through chemo. She's been steadily getting worse for years first it was the schizophrenia, then a stroke (a light one), then Alzheimer's. The medicine she took (pre cancer) leaves her completely out of it all the time. And when she's mad she's hateful but she has her good days too. She's been living in a nursing home 5 or 6 years now and it about breaks your heart as she's almost always ready to leave for "home" (which oddly enough her old home was down the street from the nursing home. we had to sell it in order to help pay for her stay at the nursing home. She's had cancer before, of the uterus and it was hard on her even then but back then she still had both her legs (now she has none, lost to infections that just weren't getter better and gangrene had set in). She's even had gallstones a few years back. She went to the hospital earlier this week when she wouldn't wake up and thought (or maybe it still is I don't have enough details) she had pneumonia but after doing some tests (and there was a scan set for today but they're putting it off until tomorrow). they're saying it probably is pancreatic cancer, they won't know for positive until the scan.
When Mom got home, took out her medical encyclopedia (No she's not a doctor but she always dives into it almost always when anyone in her family (or my father) feel even the least bit poorly. And she looks up Memaws symptoms and says that it sounds like gall stones. As much as I want to believe that it's just gall stones, I'm going to take the Doctor's opinion unless the scan says otherwise. They have her on morphine because she's in so much pain and she always drifting in and out of sleep. I going to see her with Mom tomorrow. I don't think I could live with myself if something happened to her and I didn't see her before it did. I feel bad enough that I didn't see her all that much while she was in the nursing home. I love her so much but I can't bear to be in nursing homes, I just can't.
I have no other living grandparents. I lost my maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother 22 years ago now. Not to mention my paternal grandfather died when my father was just two or three. It didn't really hit me until a few hours after Mom went to bed. I just lost it. Just like I am now and have been all day. There were times today I allowed myself to be distracted and not think of what could happen very soon or three months from now. To laugh at the stories of the antics of the secretary's dogs at the hearing aid center. To read gossip rags or even just to doing chores. I cried myself to sleep last night although I tried now to even though I deserved to. I would've cried ever harder and longer if not for the pain I get between my eyes when I usually cry to hard in a short period of time. But I seem to be making up for it today I guess. thankfully I've managed not to break down completely while I was in town or else I don't think I would've been able to stop.
So now I'm off to be distracted by something. I don't know yet what. Maybe playing Chuzzle on my iTouch, or listening to an audiobook, or finishing my chores. I know I'll have distraction enough when Caprica comes on, but even that won't last forever.
Her heart's so weak already no one wanted to put her through chemo. She's been steadily getting worse for years first it was the schizophrenia, then a stroke (a light one), then Alzheimer's. The medicine she took (pre cancer) leaves her completely out of it all the time. And when she's mad she's hateful but she has her good days too. She's been living in a nursing home 5 or 6 years now and it about breaks your heart as she's almost always ready to leave for "home" (which oddly enough her old home was down the street from the nursing home. we had to sell it in order to help pay for her stay at the nursing home. She's had cancer before, of the uterus and it was hard on her even then but back then she still had both her legs (now she has none, lost to infections that just weren't getter better and gangrene had set in). She's even had gallstones a few years back. She went to the hospital earlier this week when she wouldn't wake up and thought (or maybe it still is I don't have enough details) she had pneumonia but after doing some tests (and there was a scan set for today but they're putting it off until tomorrow). they're saying it probably is pancreatic cancer, they won't know for positive until the scan.
When Mom got home, took out her medical encyclopedia (No she's not a doctor but she always dives into it almost always when anyone in her family (or my father) feel even the least bit poorly. And she looks up Memaws symptoms and says that it sounds like gall stones. As much as I want to believe that it's just gall stones, I'm going to take the Doctor's opinion unless the scan says otherwise. They have her on morphine because she's in so much pain and she always drifting in and out of sleep. I going to see her with Mom tomorrow. I don't think I could live with myself if something happened to her and I didn't see her before it did. I feel bad enough that I didn't see her all that much while she was in the nursing home. I love her so much but I can't bear to be in nursing homes, I just can't.
I have no other living grandparents. I lost my maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother 22 years ago now. Not to mention my paternal grandfather died when my father was just two or three. It didn't really hit me until a few hours after Mom went to bed. I just lost it. Just like I am now and have been all day. There were times today I allowed myself to be distracted and not think of what could happen very soon or three months from now. To laugh at the stories of the antics of the secretary's dogs at the hearing aid center. To read gossip rags or even just to doing chores. I cried myself to sleep last night although I tried now to even though I deserved to. I would've cried ever harder and longer if not for the pain I get between my eyes when I usually cry to hard in a short period of time. But I seem to be making up for it today I guess. thankfully I've managed not to break down completely while I was in town or else I don't think I would've been able to stop.
So now I'm off to be distracted by something. I don't know yet what. Maybe playing Chuzzle on my iTouch, or listening to an audiobook, or finishing my chores. I know I'll have distraction enough when Caprica comes on, but even that won't last forever.
